An ad?

I work in advertising. I spend my days trying to think up never before seen ways for brands to get you to want their stuff. Which is why boom saloon graciously asked me to write about the current state of advertising. But, well, as flattered as I am, who really cares what I think about ads? I know you don’t. Hell, I don’t even care what I think about ads. Besides, you’re the ones we’re talking to; you’re the audience. Kinda makes more sense for you to take this one. So, you tell me: how is the current state of advertising?

words  iain nevill

Let’s start at a clean zero.

If you pay a streaming service to remove the ads, subtract 40. 
If you heard about removing the ads from an ad, add 30. 
If you’ve ever skipped through a show to get the to ads, add 1,000,000. 
If you own a pair of Beats headphones despite reading shitty reviews about them, add 88.
I
f you usually skip the first 10-15 pages of a magazine, subtract 17. 
If you read the first line of this article and turned the page, subtract 1,000,000. 
If you’ve recently quoted a tagline / slogan / catchphrase from an ad, then add 28. 
If you want to punch the Meerkat in the face, subtract 16. 
If you’ve ever, in your entire life, not hit YouTube’s skip button, add 50. 
If you buy the store’s own brand, subtract 70.

(-1,000,000 to -100)
Ah, well, this is rather awkward. Turns out the profession I’ve dedicated my entire life to is on it’s knees, coughing blood, and waving a white flag. Fuck this, I’m off to the pub. 

(-99 to 0)
Not great, not fantastic, must do better. Maybe if I spent less time in the pub and more time in the office I’d be able to turn this one around.  

(0 to 99)
Sweet, I’ll take it. I’m chalking this one up as a win. (How about the bass in those Beats, am I right?) 

(100 to 1,000,000)
Holy shit! We’re either already connected on LinkedIn, or you’re a walking billboard. How much do you charge for branding your forehead?